


My Love Story Can't Be About Me

by turquoise_moon



Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, First Crush, First Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Romantic Friendship, Slice of Life, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turquoise_moon/pseuds/turquoise_moon
Summary: They say all stories must have a hero, and that hero is always the one telling the story.But Mikleo can't imagine not talking about Sorey... because as cringy as it sounds, Sorey is his first in everything: his first crush, his first love, and probably, if things go the way they seem to be going, his first heartbreak.But sometimes unexpected things can happen. Well, in a romantic comedy, unexpected things ALWAYS happen.Except that Mikleo has no expectations to begin with. It's enough to be someone else's shadow, following someone else's footsteps... listening to other people's love stories that make him wish they were his own.Ironically, ever since that incident a year ago, he's been known in campus as the love medic... or better yet, the guy who knows too much about love he'll NEVER fall for anyone if he can help it. Some students even consult him for advice on their love troubles, with Sorey helping out on most occasions.But of course, no one knows Mikleo's dirty little secret. Yet.This is Mikleo's love story that tells everybody else's love story.
Relationships: Mikleo & Sorey (Tales of Zestiria), Mikleo/Sorey (Tales of Zestiria)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 22





	1. Him and I

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I have work, I have to study, but damn, I keep getting recommendations from friends... like manga, manhwa... you know, the kind with ridiculously cliche love plots that make you hate them, but like an addict you still read them? Like 102 chapters in one night? 
> 
> Worse, they make me imagine how they will go if Sorey and Mikleo were the MCs.
> 
> I wonder if anyone even wants to read my version.
> 
> That said, my friends say, "write something light, fluffy, cavities sort of fic... something that doesn't have over-the-top drama and wicked fetishes..."
> 
> Yeah right. Did you just ask me NOT to be me, huh? 
> 
> I'll give it a try. ^_^

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikleo tries to tell his story that's not even about him (mostly, it seems). And he perfectly doubts whether it's a love story either.

**o-----------o)O)o------------o**

Okay, so this is the scenario. My name is Mikleo, I'm seventeen years old, and I go to school like everybody else my age. 

Everyone knows me not because I'm exceptionally good-looking or intelligent or athletic. Maybe that's a good thing too. Because that means I'm relatable. 

Okay, not relatable. Just plain average. My best friend is always suspicious it's all my fault. He says I could be better than best, if not for my nasty habit of always holding myself back.

He says it's kinda weird the way I do it. It's either I have attention phobia, or scared shit of being who I am. He thinks my good side is wasted because I hide it too well. It's almost as if I hate to be the center of anyone's universe.

Maybe he's right. If I can't be loved, I'm sure I can't be hated either. Twisted right? But you see, there are benefits to being a wallpaper.

When you're invisible, nobody can ever hate you. Nobody can ever reject you. 

Being a wallpaper is better than being _that_ nail whose head stands out waiting to be hammered down. Being alone most of the time means you don't have to bother with human relationships, which studies show cause the most stress in the young and old alike.

My invisibility hurts no one. It doesn't even hurt me. I'm the extreme opposite of a masochist, not because I give pain. But because I hate it... and if I can do something to avoid it, I will.

Sorey is my exact opposite because he's an idiot. He rushes into relationships headlong without a care, jumping into fires he can't even put out himself.

He thinks pain is part of growing up. He doesn't want to suffer, he tells me, but if he has to because it's the only way to accomplish something greater... something worthy... he won't run away from it. He'll endure it... like a man. Yeah, go ahead, who's stopping you?

If you ask me, it's the kind of thing a naive narcissist would say because he thinks he knows everything about pain. But what does Sorey know, really? He's handsome, sociable, athletic, smart, popular... and every boy's nightmare because he can charm every girl you fall for without even trying.

Gosh, even _I_ fell for him.

We grew up together, we're closer than brothers even though we're not related by blood. Sorey's my cousin by marriage only... meaning our mothers are real siblings, but I came into the family only when my dad remarried. It was then that Sorey's mother's younger sister became my step-mom.

I heard from my dad that my biological mother died when I was a baby, and since then he's raised me on his own until he met my step-mom. It seems we started living in the same neighborhood as Sorey's family right after the marriage, and Sorey and I have known each other since then.

To be exact, we've been inseparable since we were about six years old, attending the same school, being in the same clubs (except sports, which I'm never good at), and basically mingling with the same set of people. That's practically eleven years in total. 

From how I remember Sorey's family before the divorce, it was a happy one... and I was always welcome in their household... so much, in fact, that anyone will mistake me for being one of the furniture. His mom worked five days a week, but she was a great cook and took care of the house like a pro. Rose, Sorey's older sibling, helped out most of the time they let her, though it usually turned out a disaster leaving more work for Sorey and myself to fix and mend.

Even Sorey's dad seemed all right. He's a university professor who loved talking about his classes if you could catch him outside his study where he'd usually be even on his days off.

Over dinner, they seemed like a perfect family every kid would wish for. They would talk about their work, and everyone would pitch in doing household chores. I guess that's how Sorey grew up being so fucking agreeable, friendly, and wholesome in a way that'll make you doubt the nature of adolescence or puberty.

I don't know how the divorce happened or why, but when it did, Sorey apparently didn't want to make a big deal of it. He never spoke of either of his parents as being at fault. He's transparently idealistic... and being overly positive and cheerful about almost everything, he probably thinks it's a temporary phase in adult relationships. Beyond that, I could hardly guess what was going on in his mind during that time.

We _never_ really talked about it, not that we even have to _avoid_ talking about it.

I guess you can say Sorey just prefers to focus on other things... the things right in front of him. He's _that_ kind of optimistic, or maybe he thinks it's the best formula to avoid getting into trouble, much like my formula for avoiding getting hurt.

But maybe, just maybe, these kinds of formulas aren't really built to be fool-proof. They're not perfect solutions to any problem either. They're more like _maintenance_ procedures. You apply them to avoid instant damage or early wear-and-tear, but if you think about it, people hardly know or care about your issues to think of them _that_ way. In a way, these over-the-counter life formulas may be the same thing that hurts people around you without you knowing that it does.

But of course, I'm speaking from experience. Sorey does hurt me in ways he'll never know... ways I can't fault him with either.

But more of that later. 

As to my family, my dad passed away last year. He had aneurysm, and it got him while he was doing volunteer work. My dad has always been a hero I'm not and will never be.

He's more like Sorey, actually. He loves putting himself in places where he can be most useful. He never bothers to ask if he can handle the pressure or the pain.

Something about heroism gives you a false sense of invincibility... and it's the reason I _almost_ hate it. 

As for Sorey, his sister started living with their dad when their parents divorced. Sorey mentioned once that it was he who decided to stay with their mom. He said they talked it over as siblings, and back then it made a lot of sense. I don't know if Sorey ever regretted the decision, or if he even misses Rose and his dad _that_ much.

I guess even as best friends, there are things he can't really verbalize that well... or chooses not to... even to me. Occasionally, Sorey also mentions plans of going on a vacation with his dad and Rose who've taken up residence at least 500 miles away.

I've yet to see him succeed beyond the planning stage, though. 

Moving on, I have a step-sister. Her name is Edna, and we live under the same roof. I try to get along even when half the time she talks to me like I'm a lower life-form sent by the gods so she can have someone to enslave. _It's involuntary servitude_ , I tell her, but she never listens, or rather, she doesn't care about what I think- which is the case ninety-nine percent of the time.

Strangely enough, she only listens to Sorey.

Sorey laughs off Edna's snotty, overbearing princess-complex like it's even funny. The hell, it's not even cute. In fact, it's the _un_ cutest thing on earth, not that she'd worry about her personality if you bother to bring it up. Sorey jokes that I should take _life lessons_ from her... like try to be more honest with who I am.

Yeah right, you really want a love confession every three minutes? I ask myself _this_ every time he brings up the topic. And I'm sure the answer is, _hell_ _no_. Sorey may be the nicest guy on earth, but even between friends, there are lines you can't cross.

I mean, tell me. What guy would want his male best friend to confess to him something he didn't even ask for?

The way confessions work, it's more like making a promise. It's not a promise until you commit yourself to doing something the other person wants, needs, or desires.

So lovers promise eternal love, that kind of bull. It's what the other person wants to hear that matters. You don't promise to kill that person who expects to be loved by you, do you? You can only promise things you know that person wants, treasures, and longs for.

Sorey cares about me enough- that's clear enough. But the kind of love I feel for him and the kind he feels for me are two different things. We see eye to eye, heart to heart, but we project a different part of ourselves each time. 

No matter how much resonance you have with that person, you can't control his feelings for you. And neither should you even try messing with it. 

We all have our boundaries. Mine just happens to be more like a _barrier_. Maybe holding myself back in most things is just my way of holding back on what I truly feel for him.

Maybe it's unnecessary, and it's more painful than just being true to myself. But a pain only _I_ can feel doesn't even matter compared with the pain of watching Sorey walk away from me because I was _too_ true to myself.

Besides, _that_ kind of pain isn't really a big deal since it helps me avoid bigger calamities. It's just like choosing the lesser evil, the one that gives you the kind of stress that's more tolerable in the long run. I don't hate it much either. I guess there isn't really anything about me that's _too_ interesting to hate or even love.

All I know is that if I stop thinking about my feelings, I can live with them. Maybe I can bury them in time, but that's talking about a future that doesn't yet exist. 

Besides, I have my own version of optimism. Keeping things to myself and being content with just being fucking ordinary, average, and commonplace might work if nothing else does.

Right now, I'm walking to school... and half the time that I do, I find myself stopping for a few seconds before I reach the bend. 

Thank god, Sorey isn't there yet. Maybe I should start running. It's a rarity that Sorey isn't already waiting at the bend for me, book in hand to keep himself busy.

I can almost see him in my mind's eye. As soon as I'm within view, he looks up from his book and flashes that doofus, wide-eyed, innocent-as-a-puppy smile that can make hell freeze over or melt the polar ice caps.

He's got a built-in radar that must tell him I'm almost there. I hate _that_ radar of his... it gives me fluttery, butterfly feelings in my stomach... the kind of feeling that's built around pointless expectations and delusional fantasies.

If I were a girl he has the potential of dating, _that_ kind of reaction from Sorey would be romantic, titillating almost, even if you're _just friends_ at the moment. Sad to say, I'm not a girl to begin with.

And Sorey only dates girls. 

For the record, he's dated every cheerleader, every honor student, every campus sweetheart in someone's dating A-list. He's a hormone magnet without him even knowing it or caring about it. He just _naturally_ attracts people... though he seems fickle about his own feelings when he's at the receiving end. I've never seen him take the initiative, but given the nature of boys our age, it's just a matter of time. 

We all have a natural curiosity, an itch, that's just begging to be scratched. 

That said, even though my world revolves around Sorey, I wish he'd leave me alone... long enough to let me get used to being lonely or alone. I hate the awareness that I could always have him whenever I want- even as a friend.

Friendship is all good, but if you have these hidden feelings of desire, it becomes almost... toxic. It's the string that pulls you in every time, making you fall back into liking that person _that_ way all over again...

Just like the way it happens every single day I'm with Sorey going through this daily, heart-breaking routine.

But then, how do you ask a guy to buzz off when he doesn't even know what's going on inside your head? You can't have a break up with someone who's not even in a relationship with you, can you?

Besides, I don't even know what I'd do if he dumps me for a girl he'd rather walk to school with.

I'm hopelessly irritated with myself, but calling myself names never worked. I just keep falling for him every time he smiles at me _that_ way.

Maybe I should just disappear... like the earth should just swallow me up where I'm standing. I'm just so pathetic.

I was just about to run, thinking, _God, is this a sign?_ _If Sorey doesn't show up even for a single day, it's a sign, isn't it?_ It's a sign I should give this up and get a life- a real life that tells _my_ story... a story about finding true love and happiness that's all about _me_ , for once.

I guess that kind of story just doesn't exist. 

As if the gods hated me that much or maybe even agree with me, I hear Sorey hollering close behind. The hell, it's the reason I hate athletic people. You can hardly outrun them.

Maybe I should try outrunning my heart too. His voice plays with my mind, my heart, in ways he'll _never_ understand.

I wish I could chase out these feelings the way he gives chase when I'm leaving him behind. I wish I could totally do that... just walk away and never look back. 

"Mikleo... heyyyy... stooopppp, I was just a little late... pleeeaaase...."

Again, my name is Mikleo, and this is my love story that's _not_ even about me, and may not even be about love to begin with. 

**o-----------o)O(o-----------o**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My plan is to make this story as "light" as I can (hopefully) so I might be able to upload a chapter every day or every other day. I'll stick with shorter chapters this time... like something you can read when you've got nothing better to waste your time on... or EVEN when you have better things to waste your time on (and mine just happens to be the last on your list, ha ha... which is perfectly fine, no kidding.) ^_^


	2. It's a Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorey's mentions a potential 'date'... but Mikleo doesn't know exactly what to feel or if he's supposed to feel anything about it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed just ONE detail in the first chapter... like Mikleo being seventeen instead of fifteen, which my friend said would make more sense if Mikleo were to be more "self-aware" as a character. 
> 
> I've also added that Mikleo and Sorey have been "inseparable" since they were six years old.
> 
> Other than that, we're okay.

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

The most painful thing about love is that it's painful.

Like the way pain works when you have an injury, you don't get to decide when it's gonna heal. You don't get to decide if you're okay with it not healing at all.

You just leave it to time, luck, and experience. Soccer players who get injuries plenty of times have this to say... you get used to the pain. But that doesn't mean it hurts less. You may become adept at avoiding wounds and injuries, but that doesn't keep accidents from happening on their own.

Life is full of pain... but you choose to go through with it anyway than give it up. Only cowards give up. Only cowards run away.

Maybe I'm a coward.

"Hey, are you even listening?" Sorey asks, slipping a finger between my ear and my headphone to get my attention.

It's his peculiar way of making me listen. He's the only one who does it, and he doesn't seem to care if others think it's weird, or if it irritates me.

I turn to him with a sour look. "What am I supposed to be listening for?"

He shows me his cell phone. "Someone is inviting me to a mixer, you know, that kind of thing where-"

"Yeah, I know, what do you suppose am I? It's _that_ kind of thing where guys like you get to meet girls like you. Then you exchange numbers, try to keep in touch, get on dates, then forget all about it in five years or when you start attending college, whichever comes first. What's new?"

"Mikleo, can we... uh, go together just this once? Please?"

"Do I look like a genie to you? What makes you think I grant any wishes?"

"It's not just for me."

"Then who's it for? We're not actually saving the world by going to mixers."

"Well... just think of it as saving me, then."

"Why do you even want to go somewhere where you need to be saved?"

"I mean... there _might_ be someone there I think I like?"

My heart started beating like I just started jogging even when we're walking at a perfectly leisurely pace.

"So... you think you'll mess up if I'm not around to give you pointers, is that it?"

"Well... _yeah_... and actually a bit of _no_ , but sort of... like, there's something I _might_ figure out along the way, though it's even a hassle to talk about it right now 'cause I _can't_ really say what it is-"

"Sorey, can you even decide _which_ it is! You're always fickle about these things, gosh-"

"All right, fine, I _am_ fickle! Just go with me, please?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm your friend, your best, best _est_ friend?"

"Sorey, the problem is, you're _everyone_ 's friend. The school is like your personal daycare. Everyone goes gaga over you."

"You make it sound like it's my fault. Besides, that's not true."

"Which part isn't?"

"Not everyone likes me... or likes me _that_ way. They might like what they see or see only what they like, but either way, that's _not_ the real me. The real me is something only _you_ know pretty much... and it's the reason you don't belong in my daycare as you call it."

"You want me to be part of the worshiping public?"

"No, I never said that. I just want you to be you."

 _As if you know what you're asking for, idiot_ , I tell myself. "If you're planning an experiment, I would like to know what it is. So I'll know how to fix it when it blows up on your face."

Sorey gives me a queer look that's almost wistful. But then, that could just be my imagination. "Then let it be my mistake... I mean, you don't have to fix every single thing that goes wrong when it comes to me. I can take punches once in a while."

"Get over yourself. It's not like I care if you do, but I'd rather you don't."

Sorey opens his mouth to say something, like words threatening to burst from someone excited, but he closes his mouth again. "Besides, this may be the _last_ time I wanna do this... I mean, dating can be pretty exhausting."

 _Stop bragging, you maniac,_ or _I'll kill you._ Though killing, in the realm of unrequited love, is also romantic. Don't ask why... it's anime logic that doesn't make sense anywhere else. 

Sighing, I steal a glance at Sorey, trying to look more upset than I really am. It's a stupid disguise, and I'm not sure if it's even effective... you know, like trying to make sure I have a half-scowling, half-frowning, half-gloating expression on my face.

Instead of laughing it off like he used to though, Sorey meets my stare bravely without as much as blinking.

I kicked a stone on the pavement thoughtlessly, watching it roll away. "You sound serious enough so I can't help wondering... are you _that_ committed to finding your one true love this soon?"

Sorey looks up at the sky, sighing loudly. "Something tells me pretending to be happy isn't gonna solve anything. I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't want chances to slip by and regret them all... because I didn't act on my feelings at the moment."

It's been months since we barely broached the topic of family. Sorey seems to be measuring his thoughts so I opted to clam up and wait for him to go on.

He looks away, a fake smile plastered on his face. I guess Sorey's the kind of guy who denies negativity to the point he'll try to smile even when his feelings are a mess. People might see it as being pretentious, but if I were to be honest... it's one of those little things he does, which I can't help but love and hate about him. 

"Dad said relationships aren't like computer programs," Sorey finally says with a slight pause, as if to pick his words carefully. "There's no delete or some default system you can use to avoid making choices or to go back to the beginning when things don't work out. You have to be brave enough to admit failure when things aren't the way you thought they should be... when they're just keeping you in a place instead of making you happy and fulfilled. You can't get stuck in a rut hoping things will fix themselves in time because answers are something you work hard for to find, not something you can read off a script in a quiz show."

"That's a lot," I tell him, not completely sure where the conversation is leading to.

"Yeah, it's a lot. So many things to remember... and so little time to make sense of it all..."

"For starters, it's just a mixer, Sorey. Don't overthink it."

"Don't worry, I won't," he reassures me, but his smile was almost quivering. 

Sighing must be contagious as I give one, making him look my way. "All right, fine, I don't think I can say _no_ when you're _this_ desperate. When is it gonna be?"

**o-----)O(-----o**

Why does her name _have_ to be Alisha? Everyone in the mixer was calling her _Alisha the Smiling_ because she has the smile of a winner in a beauty pageant. Without her knowing it, she makes you feel like she owns the place, and you're born to worship the ground she walks on.

It's amazing that people like her actually exist.

Like a foregrounded image on a painting, she has a seductive charm that makes you recede so easily into the background. You become an admirer from a distance, a drooling audience to her charms.

What's worse is that she's just like Sorey. She's probably clueless about her appeal, or tries to be modest about it, which isn't helping at all.

If anything, it only makes them both more attractive, more unreachable, and... just my polar opposite... perfect. I wonder what it feels like to have that persuasive power... like a deity who inspires obedience, bends wills wordlessly, and scores a victory even without trying.

Maybe I should just get out of here and die.

"Uh, Mikleo, you like milkshakes better, don't you?"

Sorey's sensitivity isn't enough to make me feel great. Everyone's pouring over how Alisha's gonna easily be the next campus sweetheart once she transfers to our school.

 _Oh god, good lord, no._ If you think I'm jealous... well you can think whatever you like, but I'm just being realistic. People call it _insecurity_ , _low self-esteem_ , and _psychological inadequacy_ because they don't _understand_ how we feel about it. Describing it is one thing, but trying to be in our shoes... trying to feel what it's like to be a walking shadow all your life... those are two different things.

For example, it's easy to describe a painting technically... the colors, the strokes, the palettes used by the artist. But it's an entirely different matter when you're trying to explain what it all fucking means or says. Describing something is not understanding it, though it creates a false sense of pride about what you know... one which cleverly disguises your ignorance of it too.

So before I go into a long, boring tirade on the subject, let me just say... in any universe out there, it's better to admit defeat than have someone actually call you a _loser_ and laugh about it.

I sneak glances at Alisha and sigh the umpteenth time mentally. Why am I _not_ her? Reminds me of that song called _Heather_. It's so relatable...

Defeating charms of Alisha's _magnitude_ (like an _alert_ scale in a seismograph) is like trying to conquer Mount Everest with only a shovel... or attempting to scale it down with a toothbrush.

"Mikleo... Mikleo!"

Everybody turns, and suddenly I find myself being the center of _distraction_.

"What is it?" I ask Sorey. He shakes his head, smiling.

"You're cute when you're absent-minded, but try not to zone out too much. Your milkshake is getting warm."

"Wow, it's nice to see guys get along really well. I mean, you two almost seem like brothers," Alisha gushes, smiling in Sorey's direction.

He scratches his cheek, looking genuinely embarrassed. "We get that a lot. But we have our differences too. Not like I mind."

"Such as?"

"Mikleo hates unsolicited advice from me. He thinks I'm being an ass when I say things out loud, like hey, it's all right to be honest about things you like too..."

"I _am_ honest!" I burst out, then realizing the strange glances I'm getting, I sigh and stand up. I feel like suffocating myself.

"Hey, Mikleo, where are you going?"

"Out? I just need some air. It feels a little too stuffy in here..."

For some reason, Sorey gets up and follows me, apologizing like the gentleman he always is.

"Hey, what's wrong? Did I say anything to upset you?"

It doesn't take a lot of effort to find an excuse as to why I'm upset. At least I'm honest about _not_ being able to be honest about my _real_ issues.

Besides, who wants to listen to me rant as to why I don't care about this mixer? Why I don't care about Sorey finding that one, ideal person made just for him?

Why can't I say I'll give my everything to be that person he's hoping to find?

I know the answer, of course. Even if I offer him my everything, will it ever be enough? So what's the point of promising something he might not even want?

What's the point of being honest when no one cares about the truth that's killing me... and _only_ me?

And believe me, this twisted self-honesty hurts more than lying. Because this is the ugly me... the side to me I want Sorey to see so he'd run away and leave me alone and settle with someone more deserving of his attention.

As usual, it's my silence that makes him apologetic for some reason. Right now, he looks like a puppy that has been kicked in the face and wants a reassuring pat on the head.

"Sorey, you better get back in there. I don't want everyone to hate me for making you walk out on the gang."

"Mikleo, I don't think anyone's so mean he'll take things like that against you or me."

Sure, Sorey. Has anyone ever gotten mad at you before? People who are loved too much won't ever understand _that_ ugly side of the world the rest of us see all the time... that's why. 

"Just go back already, all right?" I mumbled. 

"Look, if you wanted to leave, you should have told me sooner. I asked you to join me, knowing it's not your thing, and so... uh, you should say something if I'm pushing it too far. I'm sorry if I made things uncomfortable for you... that's not what I had in mind... and I should've guessed it sooner..."

As usual, Sorey's apologies have a way of calming me down. But it frustrates me too. Can't he just get upset with me, blow some steam, and tell me what a fucking, selfish idiot I am?

That way we can walk out of each other's shadows for good. No hard feelings.

"Mikleo... I said I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why are you sorry? Did you do anything mean? Why are you always apologizing like you're the bad guy all the time?"

Sorey sighs a little loudly. "I'm apologizing because it looks like I did something wrong."

"Did I say that you did?"

"You didn't have to. You're not the kind of person who's good at accusing others. You always blame yourself that's why you're upset."

"Oh you mean, this is misdirected self-hate?"

"I don't know, Mikleo... but I don't want you to feel that way even if I don't get why you feel that way." 

"Back at you."

He chuckles first, then laughs a little, as if he remembers something funny all of a sudden. "Right. I deserve that, to be honest."

I shake my head. _Idiot, can you just stop being like this so I don't have to fall for you every second?_

"So do you... want me to walk you home now, or do you want to go back for your milkshake?"

"What do you think?" I asked, feeling a little brave or careless or both.

"I prefer walking you home."

"Yeah right. Why don't you just go back and let me walk myself home? I'm not a kid, I'm not gonna get lost easily..."

"Oh yeah? When we were six until we were almost ten, you keep getting lost trying to find the school clinic or even the restroom. In my house you even-"

"Stop, I get the picture. I'm an idiot, fine... but I have money for taxi so please don't bother."

"Save it."

"Huh?"

"Just save your money, and let me walk you home. We can even get any milkshake flavor you want along the way. My treat, of course."

I know what you're thinking. You must be thinking, _Oh, Sorey's being thoughtful... he must be harboring secret feelings, you'll never know_. 

I used to think _that_ way too. But years of mistaking fact for proof made me twisted. There's really no valid conclusion to be made, just facts that say one thing. 

Sorey's built _that_ way. His entire personality is a bad habit that leads people on because they choose to be led on. They're attracted to him, and it's the attraction that makes all the wrong assumptions seem right.

For example... the way he says all the nice things he does? He's too straightforward to be hiding anything... which is _so_ unlike the norm when you like someone in secret. And his smile? That comes as naturally as the sun. Countless times when we were kids, I'd catch him smiling even in his sleep.

Literally, Sorey's appeal is an insult to the subconscious. I'm sure he's _so_ unaware because he's practically got nothing to hide... which means there's _absolutely_ nothing there either. He's just born _that_ way so you can't even say he's putting in any special effort at all.

I almost gag as Alisha approaches from behind him, and Sorey bristles a little. His reactions and mannerisms haven't changed through the years. He still gets flustered and a little embarrassed when someone walks up to him while we're talking. He adjusts to the discomfort pretty quickly and covers it up in seconds, but his body always reacts _that_ way just the same.

I don't get it. Is he _this_ paranoid being seen alone with me? Or is it just... me?

Alisha was peeking at us from beneath her long, thick lashes, her smile instantly warm and friendly. I wish I could be like that... a naturally pleasant person who doesn't have to try _too_ hard to get anyone's attention.

"Uh, just wondering if you two are joining us or if you have other... plans?"

Sorey scratches his right cheek. "Mikleo's not feeling too good. Maybe next time?"

"Can I... at least get your number? Of course, I'll give you mine..."

Sorey fumbles for his cell phone, then thanks her after they've exchanged email addresses too. I notice something fall to the floor...

"Sorey, I think that's your wallet."

I was about to pick it up when he panics. "D-don't touch it, I mean- I'll get it myself."

Alisha throws him curious glances, handing him the said wallet easily. Sorey mumbles a hasty 'thank you' sounding even more embarrassed than before.

An awkward gap ensued that made my throat dry. I feel like coughing, but that would be too rude so I held myself back.

I heard Sorey mumble some more words. "Got your hand dirty, sorry... I mean, you shouldn't have picked it up for me."

"It's fine, there's a washroom just up ahead. I hope we get to do something like this again... if it's all right."

"Sure. Until next time then..." 

On our way home, I didn't feel like talking much, and neither did Sorey. He tried to be more sensitive by buying me two milkshakes with two of my favorite flavors. I was refusing, but like always, he's deaf to my pleas. Neither of us mentioned the mixer or Alisha until his cell phone rang, and just as before, without excusing himself he went straight and answered it in front of me.

"Oh really? I'm coming back to get it right now, sorry, but thanks for calling me about it."

"Anything wrong?"

"They say they found a small notebook that seems to be a journal on our seat back at the mixer. It seems to be yours..."

 _Holy crap!_ I searched my bag, and to my utter disgust, my little sketch book was _so_ not there. 

That sketch book was important. Whenever I'm stressed out, I fiddle with my pencil and end up randomly sketching anything within view... still life, landscapes... nothing fancy, really.

Very seldom do I try to work on faces because they're more difficult to draw. Emotions are painful to read, much less portray with lines and strokes.

The _only_ exception is that one face I sketch out of habit with little to zero awareness. Along with random notes about my stupid, secret feelings for that idiot... 

Right now I feel like punching myself senseless. _God, no... not THAT notebook, please!_

Without bothering to explain myself, I pushed the milkshakes onto Sorey and hailed a passing taxi. Sorey ran after me, but for the first time, I was faster.

I literally shut the door to his face with the words, "I'll take care of it myself, thanks! Bye!"

I couldn't bother myself looking back at Sorey's figure through the window as the taxi sped away.

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised to have an update every other day... but I figured it would be too crowded if I upload this and "Twilight Ends When Lavender Falls" on the same day.
> 
> Also, when others are uploading their fics, I normally give it a day or two before uploading mine. So please bear with me.
> 
> Next chapter will be up March 9. Thanks! ^_^


	3. My Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikleo gets more than what he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a trend in Tales? 
> 
> Anifan jp came out of nowhere just a few hours ago to tell me she's not happy about a comment I made 2 years ago in her channel. It was a comment describing Sorey and Mikleo's concern for each other and praising the VAs for doing a wonderful job in Asteria.
> 
> She uploaded Asteria 2 years ago, and it's the first time I saw Sorey and Mikleo outside the main title game. I'm not a Japan resident or citizen so I have no other means of experiencing Japan-exclusive Tales games.
> 
> She gave me the impression that B-Namco only milks the West for money so they're selling Tales outside Japan. But I said games have to bring in money because that's the way it is. They have to pay the talents behind them. 
> 
> Besides, I buy Tales merch and games because I love them. No one is forcing me to buy them. 
> 
> She tells me I don't understand anything about Tales games because every main title is a spin off and only Radiant Mythology is the TRUE Tales world. She sends links like anothereden.miraheze.org that gives me Yuri's profile and skills and tells me it's "proof" that her theory (which is not a theory, she says) is correct.
> 
> Her other link is a B-Namco Tales of Asteria trailer that came out just two days ago and posted in the official Youtube Channel for Tales games. When I asked why she sent "random" links that don't say anything about the real topic (about Radiant Mythology etc.) she denies they're random then she quits the discussion.
> 
> She then calls herself "not just a Yuri fan but the community" and Zesty fans as fans of "parasitic aliens" and "parasitic relationships." 
> 
> My psychologist friend says, "parasitic relationships involve one person depending on the other even when the dependence is one-sided, causes injury and irreversible damage." 
> 
> He played Tales of Zestiria and tells me it's the "most healthful game" he's ever played. Like me, he knows Sorey and Mikleo's relationship was "never damaging" on either side at any point. 
> 
> Anifan jp also "warns" us that Tales of Asteria, 6th chapter will make ToZ fans "cry," that Asteria's Sorey is "the real Sorey" because Asteria was made ahead of Zestiria and is the ultimate version. In other words, if SorMik is doomed in Asteria, it erases everything that happened in the main game because ToZ is NOT canon. 
> 
> She also says I only have "a few months to talk to the fans of the community" (meaning, Yuri fans like her). 
> 
> Did I just speak to an intelligent life-form? Is that for real?
> 
> The main title, ToZ is canon because same as in the DC and Marvel universe and in other fictional worlds, it's not always the first which is canon, but one which the creators publicize as "the" story under the same title. Prototypes of Superman, Batman, etc. were different from the canon that actually came later. The latter changes were accepted more by the audience and became canon. (ex. Clark x Lois from Superman is movie-based canon that won over the comics.)
> 
> It's the acceptance by the "wider community" that decides the canon, not just one interpretation by a fan. Mikleo being accepted as Sorey's partner in "official" works that came after (anime, drama CDs, etc.) also help "fix" the canon, as do publication/release of ToZ to wider audiences outside Japan.
> 
> Sorry about that. This fic is supposed to be rant-free. Let's stay positive. ^_^ 
> 
> On a brighter note:
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and for reading this fic so far. I'll be posting the date for the updates at the end of the chapter (endnotes). Thank you so much. 
> 
> Let's keep supporting Tales of Zestiria, all its characters, and of course, Sorey and Mikleo. ~~

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

_Why can't I hate you enough not to love you?_

Yeah, if there's anything more bitchy than jealousy and this endless downpour, it's my tireless monologue.

I keep asking myself, why does it have to be Sorey? Why does it have to be my childhood friend, my cousin, my best friend, my almost-brother... the one person who holds my world together whom I can't afford to lose?

Maybe falling in love is random... like the way gravity affects everyone with no conscious effort on its part? I don't know how exactly, but something vague, invisible, almost incomprehensible pulls you toward the target. Even if you try to resist it, you get sucked in somehow.

You can call it charm, appeal, or whatever... but it's a force of attraction that's powerful enough to keep you grounded. Before you know it, you're doing all that you can to attract your object of interest as much as he attracts you. And if you're lucky, you get to form a bond with him.

Somewhere along the way _urges_ kick in. It can become confusing... like you start thinking liking is no different from craving... a helpless appetite for that person's physical presence... physical things he can do to keep you interested and wanting for more.

Teenagers, I guess, are not that much different from adults. They ask for attention even if what they want is more than just a momentary, fleeting awareness... maybe a hug... something warm and soothing... words that touch the soul.

But if you get an allowance raise instead, well... that's better than nothing. 

I guess all relationships have _that_ in common. You don't have to be perfectly happy. You just have to be... satisfied. If your significant _other_ doesn't have as many bad traits as others you've already crossed out in your mental list, he's okay.

You just have to dwell on his good traits, accept that love is blind, and brush off anything you don't want to see as your persecution complex playing with your self-esteem.

In other words, you can go easy on yourself, make it less complicated, and see _only_ the good side. After all, the more you see, the more you become critical... and the satisfaction rating drops. The trick is, you got to keep it from dropping.

It's all mental discipline.

For example, you only have to ask for things that keep you satisfied with what you've _already_ got. Asking _beyond_ that is courting a break-up. You can't become needy, clingy, insecure, and obsessive. People hate that a lot. Though it's also true that most of that hate is self-denial.

We all want something we don't have. The more empty you are inside, the more you want to be filled. But you _can't want everything_ either... because wanting too much makes you greedy.

I'm greedy. I've had Sorey since forever, so why am I _not_ happy with that?

I'll never be happy just being his friend. But I don't want our relationship to end either.

As they say, what do _boyfriends_ , _girlfriends_ , and _friends_ have in common? It's the _-end_ at the end of the word, isn't it? All relationships end somehow if you let it. So again, it all comes down to mental discipline. The less the relationship feels, the safer. When something ends, you can't have it back.

It's like a movie, the first time is always different. You can't capture the same feeling even if it's the exact same movie with all the interesting add-ons.

It's the same as saying, a broken glass is always broken even if you glue back the pieces...

But enough of that. I'm cold, lonely, and exhausted. 

And I feel stupid on top of that. I was afraid of letting Sorey pick up my journal because I don't want him to see the truth I'm hiding in there. 

Some truths are uglier than lies. If he finds out I have feelings for him, it's the end of the line for me. 

I know... I keep asking God for a sign to end it all, a sign that it's all right to let things get broken between me and Sorey. But when I finally get _that_ sign, the first thing I do is save my secret. 

You _can't_ get more hypocritical than that. I guess honesty sucks because the truth hurts more than anything... and the pain?

No matter how strong you think you are, _that_ pain is always stronger.

I don't want it. I don't think I'll ever be ready to hurt so bad... so bad that I might never be able to love again or even think about it. 

I look up. The rain kept pouring, making me want to hug myself. Not only do I _not_ have an umbrella, but I used up all my taxi money getting here that I have no other way of getting home than to walk... in all this rain.

Thank god Alisha held onto my journal at least. I declined her offer to hitch a ride home with her because no way do I want to be around to answer all her questions about Sorey.

It's not jealousy so much as nostalgia. Whenever a girl asks about Sorey, I start talking about his best qualities... instead of ranting the way I'm doing now.

And talking about him in a _good_ way makes me fall harder for him in a _bad_ way.

 _I'm a mess, I'm a loser, I'm a hater, I'm a user... I'm a mess for your love it ain't new..._ that song kicks in, but I hate singing it to myself. Because it makes me feel even more pathetic.

"Mikleo? I knew I'll find you here-"

I turn to see the last face I wanted to see. It's the face that gives me goosebumps of excitement and euphoria that make me want to hate myself all over again.

On top of me was a dripping umbrella. It's obvious Sorey's been walking under the rain with it.

"You didn't have to follow me back here. It's not like-"

"Yeah, I'm not so much worried about you getting lost," he cuts in, finishing my sentence for me as always. "The weather update says there'll be random showers around this time of day. And knowing you, you never carry an umbrella unless it's already raining by the time you leave."

"Right."

"Right," he mimics me, using the umbrella as a shield from passers-by who manage to get us wet from their dripping umbrellas. Besides, the spot we're in wasn't really giving us enough canopy from the shower. Sorey must have known so he tilted the umbrella a little to give us some cover.

Taking advantage of our position, I throw him nervous glances. We're shoulder-to-shoulder now, but he seems more preoccupied with the umbrella to notice. His hair is damp, and beads of rain seem to dangle carelessly on his lashes. 

I feel the urge to kiss them away, but that's just... my unreasonable urge kicking in. I didn't have to dwell on it if I could help it.

"By the way, I left your milkshakes in the cooler and got you an extra umbrella in case this shower gets stronger. But it seems to be letting up. Maybe we can wait a little bit more..."

"Uh-huh," was all I could say. Across us, I could hear the melody of a once-popular song that seems to fit into the moment perfectly.

_You come so close to tasting, now my innocence is breaking_

_Like the ocean in a perfect storm, it makes me want you even more..._

_I'd never been so jealous, I've never felt so helpless_

_So out of breath and hungry... for you..._

"Stop!"

"M-Mikleo?" Sorey flinched, giving me a quizzical stare. "Is there something-"

"No, no... I was just-" Yeah, I was being stupid. How can any song lyrics affect me that much that I actually verbalize my subconscious?

"You know, it's almost close to dinnertime. You want to stop by somewhere where we could grab a bite?"

I sigh. "I wouldn't still be here if I had more than the taxi money I spent coming back here-"

"It's on me, of course. I'm the one inviting after all..."

"Don't you get tired of saying that?" I ask, a little irritated with myself.

"I think the right words are, _thank you_. And no... I'm always the one asking you out, it's never been the other way around, that's why." 

I look at him, and he smiles, pretending not to see how upset I was. Or how stupid the conversation sounds... like it's asking to be misunderstood.

His crisp voice already made several heads turn our way. But the fact he was playing with the words _ask out_ was the most distracting part of it.

Why is it _so_ distracting? Because I'm _so_ frustrated.

In any case, I pretend it's something else and make a loud exhale, tempted to play his game. 

"Sorey, if I _actually_ ask you out, wouldn't that sound disgusting?"

He frowns, but his lips seem to be smiling anyway. "Did I say it's disgusting? Or do _you_ think I'm disgusting-"

"No, no... sheesh... you're anything but that. Gods, your perfection scares the hell out of everyone."

Sorey looks miffed. "You mean- I'm hated?"

I sigh. "You have fans who adore you and would kill to date you. Be satisfied with that."

"Isn't it the other way around? When they like you, you have to show some appreciation... so you have to satisfy them a little..."

"That sounds almost... dirty."

"I don't mean _that_ , Mikleo! I mean... you have to be grateful... and try not to hurt their feelings."

Oh great. Amazing. Is he being nice to me because he's being grateful? Now I have _that_ to worry about too...

"Sorey, I think it's all right to walk now. And I can use the spare umbrella if you don't mind."

"I _do_ mind."

"Huh?" This is the side to him I'll never get. I don't get his jokes. 

"We can't walk together if I let you use my spare. And since a lot more people are walking now, you could get jostled and shoved to the side... then I have to come back looking for you..."

"I'm not a kid! I won't get lost easily-"

"Mikleo, it's not a big deal. I just don't want to lose you, that's all."

We walked the rest of the way not saying anything, and for the first time, Sorey didn't complain about being hungry.

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics included here were taken from a song used in a SorMik AMV, "One Night." You can search it in youtube if you're interested. ^_^
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on March 12. See you 'til then!


	4. Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorey seems all right with everything, or is he really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the comments! ^_^
> 
> Also, thanks for the words of encouragement. They come a long way, and I'll always appreciate the thought. 
> 
> Criticisms are welcome... if there's anything you want to share, I'm fine with anything.
> 
> Let's all stay safe and have a great weekend! Thanks for supporting other fans, the characters of Tales of Zestiria, and everyone here in ao3. Let's continue supporting all Tales games as well! ^_^

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

"Rose, is that you? What are you doing here?"

She gives me the same cocky smile I've known for years. Sorey and I practically met when we were six, and Rose was about ten years old back then. I remember Sorey saying she's the kind of older sister who loves poking fun at him, thinking he's the cutest when he cries. 

She's always had _that_ mean streak about her that actually put everyone at ease. Quite ironic, isn't it? It's as if she's saying you don't have to go out of your way to be nice to her, she's all right with anything... even your rough edges... because she has plenty of those herself. 

"Did Sorey forget to mention I applied to the university where dad used to teach?"

I didn't have to answer that Sorey didn't say anything. Expect him to be a little _too_ forgetful when it comes to these things. Or maybe there's another reason he's not telling me... which I can't really do anything about.

"When did you arrive?"

"Yesterday? I remember Sorey coming in late for dinner and got scolded, ha ha. He was wet and shivering cold, like he's been out in the rain _that_ long. It's amazing he got up this morning and went to school like it was nothing."

Hearing about it, I felt an overwhelming pang of guilt. I was too busy thinking about myself that I practically missed the tell-tale signs that Sorey was more wet and exhausted than I was yesterday when he came to get me.

And this morning, I was too distracted to pay him any heed. I ignored him all the way to school, and Sorey didn't even complain.

I should have guessed. He's rarely quiet when I'm around, and often enough he sulks in the most manly way he can when I'm ignoring him. 

Blame it on the journal, I told myself with a mental punch. Of course _that_ was _my_ fault too. 

"So... is Sorey home now?" I asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. I know I owe him from yesterday, but I didn't even get to thank him at all.

"The school clinic called. He's checked in all day, and now they want me to pick him up. I guess it's a fever... not like you need to worry. Sorey almost never gets sick... and when he does, he jumps back to health like it's nothing."

I shake my head at Rose. "Please, just let me do that for Sorey. It's somehow my fault he stayed out in the rain yesterday."

"He still does, doesn't he? He's always been that way... around you."

I wonder what Rose is talking about, but I don't have time to consider it. I walk back to school, thanking the gods I didn't get changed into house clothes right after coming home.

Sorey looked very much surprised to see me. As if he's any reason to? I mean, I'm the one that got him this way so it's only normal I should check up on him after being told he needed to spend the entire day in the school clinic.

Thinking about it, sometimes his reactions unnerve me. He seems to have a way of seeing through me, reading my emotions, and reacting in surprise when I worry about him. 

I guess you can say having these doubts practically kills me every single time... emotionally at least. Not like I can stop them from having _that_ effect on me, of course. I mean, aren't all those _what-ifs_ scary when you think of how close to being real they are?

Now that's a thought. _What if_ they're, in fact, real? For example... what if the dork can really see through my disguise? What if he has me all figured out, but he's just too embarrassed to call my attention to it? Much worse, what if he's just waiting for me to make that shameful confession about me falling for him like an idiot? 

I guess the problem with disguises is that they can be transparent to the person you're trying to deceive. Which makes me wonder...

 _What if_ all this time he's been waiting for the perfect chance to break it to me gently? So he can clear the air between us and once-and-for-all ask me to give him up?

Because painful as it is to admit, you got to face reality. And the reality is that straight is straight. No matter how powerful love is, it can't bend sexuality _that_ way to satisfy fantasies that lean in the opposite direction.

So what if-

"Mikleo, you didn't have to. I told them not to tell you of all people..."

I pull my breath, stopping myself a few seconds from actually choking. How someone can actually choke on oxygen is a mystery that makes me feel I'm an alien sometimes.

"Uh, Mikleo... is there anything-" 

"Why the hell you need to do that?" I asked a little too loudly, cutting him off while glaring daggers at him. "If you have a fever from yesterday, of course I'll worry. It's an inconvenience I deserve."

"Right," he chuckles. "Sorry for the inconvenience."

I cursed myself for that careless slip. I never considered him a burden, but somehow, pretending to be upset over something _else_ does have its shortcomings.

You end up saying things you don't mean at all... and those words can hurt just as much, even more. 

"Let me walk you home this time, Sorey. And stop trying to sound cool shaking me off. It's not like you ever get sick a lot to begin with."

I wrapped an arm around his shoulder then his waist to pull him up. He staggered forward, falling on top of me. I got flustered without being able to stop myself, feeling my cheeks heat up as he hovered over me for eternity it seems, eyes wide as saucers.

I guess when you end up in _this_ position with the person you wanna marry if you could, three seconds is like an eternity. Any more than that and you might burst a vein, and then it's instant death. If you're a game character, you can get revived... but that entirely depends on the other person. 

Needless to say, Sorey was just as speechless as I was. And it doesn't take much to notice that the clinic was empty save for the two of us. The nurse must have excused herself minutes before I arrived, and no other patients occupied the other beds.

Sorey smiled wanly, cheeks flushed but only because of the fever. "Maybe I should get sick more often... so you can come by and take care of me."

I pushed him back gently to try and pull away, but our legs were tangled, and Sorey was not trying to get off me or simply couldn't.

Meanwhile, my pathetic brain was trying to tell me how his feverish heat could do wonders to my body. I groan out my panic.

"You're heavy..." I told him, though the heat was making me want to feel delirious with half-baked feelings of joy and illegal satisfaction. I say _illegal_ because no matter how you look at it, I seem to be the one taking advantage of the situation, and Sorey's being clueless as always.

He pulls away, grabbing the edge of the mattress as he pulls me up.

Unprepared with how much stronger Sorey has become, coupled with the fact I expected him to be weak from the fever, I land against his chest with a thump as I brace myself against pushing us both back to the bed.

Before _that_ could happen, Sorey grabbed me by the waist to hold both of us steady as I clung to him like the idiot that I am. His face was mere inches from mine as I found myself completely buried against his chest.

It was almost a miracle I didn't faint from the scent of him... because being _this_ close to him isn't good for my heart at all.

Thankfully, I had the decency to pull away instead of having voluntary heart attack or a nose bleed... though I swear the latter only happens in anime.

"Y-you all right?" Sorey asks worriedly. I pretend to push him a little roughly out of annoyance.

"Proof that you work out a little too much. You're strong even when you're sick- in a scary sort of way, you know."

"Did I... scare you?"

The question sounded strange, but Sorey having a fever is even stranger. He only had one when he caught chicken pox, but even then he stayed in bed only for a few days.

He's hopelessly strong and energetic in ways I wish I were.

"Asking that question out of the blue is what scares me more," I tell him, wishing he'd leave the topic alone. I don't have to tell him that every time he's around me, I get scared of myself and my secret.

Half the time I'm trying to shake off my want for him, I get scared of feeling how much I _still_ want him. It's a vicious cycle of paranoid first love and toxic self-hate that can't get any better or worse no matter how many times you try to unravel it.

Just like the problem of time and space travel, you get lost in the paradox. There's no way around it even if you stop running around in circles. 

He scratches his cheek, looking awkward all over again. "Sorry about that."

I frown. "No need." Though deep inside, I'm too bothered and bewildered to think of anything more to say. I mean, seriously...

Did I just throw him hints? Is he awkward because my answers sound as fake as they really are?

Until when can I keep this awful secret?

He stumbles a little as he hunches over the bed reaching for his back pack. I stopped his hand and reached out for it myself. 

Shoulder to shoulder with both of us reaching for the same thing at the same time, he stares at me with a frozen, confused expression.

I heat up in seconds.

"Uh... I just want to help carry your bag. I mean... I left my things at home so it's okay to let me carry it. Only for today anyway."

He shakes his head. "It's not like my fever can get any worse because of a bag. I'm not that useless..."

"Well, you're not. But neither am I."

"Mikleo... I... I'm really glad you came for me. Thanks."

"Well, I did happen on Rose, and she told me what happened. I don't think I should oblige her with _this_ when it's my fault."

"It's not your fault... I mean, it was _both_ of us who got wet yesterday. And it's not like either of us wanted the weather to turn out bad."

"Still... you shouldn't have. It was my carelessness after all... leaving something valuable behind."

"Was that your diary, by the way?"

"Don't ask."

"You... still keep one? I do too..."

"Nah, it's just a doodle pad. I just happen to have important lecture notes in there."

_Yeah, I could lie to my teeth forever when it comes to you, gosh..._

"Uh, Mikleo- Rose didn't say... anything weird, did she?"

I thought for a second. "Uh... she just mentioned something like... you got wet in the rain before... and I was also the reason. Actually, I must have misheard it. I don't really remember anything like that."

"W-well... she must be talking about last year."

"Huh?"

"I... my dad and mom were having an argument... just before you know... things got really bad. But anyway... I wanted to talk to you about it... just wanted to get out of the house... but I found out from Edna you weren't home, and you didn't have an umbrella- like you _ever_ carry one? And then I found out about what happened... to your dad that day. So there was a thunderstorm... and it's late, and you're not home yet... and Edna says your mom left for the hospital alone."

"You got worried about Edna being home alone? That's... so brotherly of you."

"That's part of it, maybe. But back then, I knew I couldn't go home until I found you. Mom and dad were a little upset when I got back a soaking mess, actually. But at least it made them stop arguing over dinner because someone had to lecture me all night. In the end I was happy you were all right."

"To be honest, I tried walking to the hospital but got lost three times. It's embarrassing enough... I mean, what an idiot I was and all that. But I didn't know you went out looking for me."

"Well, I called Edna, and by that time you were already at the hospital so... I was relieved. Besides, I was thinking something like that might have happened."

"Right. I'm so bad at directions I should just... knock myself over."

"Actually... there's something cute about that too."

"What? About being stupid, or about knocking myself over?"

Sorey grins. "It's a secret?" 

To be honest, I didn't know anything else about that day except my dad being rushed to the emergency room, and my mom and I waiting outside for the doctor to tell us what happened. It was nerve-wracking. But I hardly thought Sorey was _that_ concerned about me back then... 'cause I knew he was having a rough time at home himself.

It makes me realize there are things I don't know and will never know about Sorey... even if we've always been together like this.

Even if Sorey's as honest and transparent as he seems.

I guess it's really impossible to know everything... even when it comes to things that are _too_ close and visible to be a mystery.

On another note, I'm starting to hate myself again. Every little detail makes me fall harder for my best friend even when I thought I've reached my limit.

And as always, I end up sighing my frustrations away. "Guess I owe you another thanks?"

"You're pretty much a handful even back then," Sorey chuckles a little, making me look up.

"What, am I a joke to you?"

He frowns. "Of course not. I just wish you'd stop being too hard on yourself. I don't know why you feel that way... but even if I don't know, I hope I'm not the reason."

"Y-you're _never_ the reason for anything about me, all right?" I stammered.

He flinches as I grab his bag from him a little rudely, hugging it to myself. "I'm taking _this_ , and I'm walking you home, and you're gonna sleep until dinner and right after dinner. Fine with _that_?"

He laughs, and it worries me because my concern for him may have sounded _too_ weird... for a friend.

"Mikleo, do you always have to look angry when you're worried about me?"

"Like hell, I'm _not_ worried," I tell him, even clenching a fist over it. "I'm just the sort of person who'd rather do something about his guilt than put up with it." 

But to be honest, I don't have any reason to be even remotely upset. After all, I was the one who ended up being helped up, not the other way around as it should be. It's always been like this... and maybe it's one of the reasons Sorey hated to bother me in the first place.

I always end up being his burden one way or another. And pathetic as it seems, carrying his bag is the least I can do. Being told that he can do it himself just belittles what's left of my broken pride... and _that_ hurts too. 

Sorey throws me a sidelong glance as we headed out, leaving a note for the nurse and a text message to make sure everything's all right.

"What now?" I ask. I'm sure he's got something on his mind with _that_ look.

"Mikleo... uh... help me a little when we get home? Mom's night shift is today, I think... and you know how it is with Rose around..." 

I sigh audibly to that. Rose is good company, but she's not exactly the domestic type who knows what kitchens are for. She's better at eating anything on the table than taking it upon herself to make things edible. 

Like if you think no one can get pancakes wrong... well, Rose does.

"So... any suggestions?" I ask. The last thing I want is to use this opportunity to get what I want. Not when Sorey seems so vulnerable...

Yeah, I know. It sounds rotten, but I love Sorey that much. And because I love him, I hate taking advantage of him.

I hate this feeling because it's the same one that makes me want to do just that. It may sound like I'm being over-cautious... but in truth, I'd give up everything to make that one, _big_ mistake I know I'll regret. 

Sorey scratches his cheek. "It's... up to you, really. Any favor is fine... so long as you're okay with it."

 _The devil._ I'm sure he has no fucking idea how tempting _that_ sounds right now. I'm in living hell... 

Because it doesn't take more than two seconds for me to realize what I want.

I want to be next to him.

I want to take care of him.

I want to be just the two of us in his room, where I can play nurse and things can happen while we're at it.

_No, no no... just stooopp! Hold it right there, that's sooo not me!_

Well, of course, back when we were kids, it wasn't unusual for us to sleep over at each other's house. We avoided doing it altogether as we got older, though I guess I was the one who was consciously avoiding it.

I started declining his invitation once I realized my feelings for him aren't _that_... innocent anymore. But this time, I don't have to think about it... maybe? He's got a fever, and I was the culprit.

It's the least I could do for Sorey.

I looked down at my feet, not knowing where else to look for some reason. "If it's all right with you and Rose, I could sleep over like we... used to... back then."

Sorey stares long and hard.

I'm burning in hell...

"I mean, I could use the time to help you with the homework for tomorrow, and I could give you your medicine while we're at it... it's really no big deal. Besides, I know how awkward it is asking for Rose's help when she just got here, so yeah... I guess I can stick around for a while."

Sorey beams a happy smile like he just won the lottery. He really should stop doing that. My heart can barely take the sunshine.

"That's great! Thanks so much, Mikleo!"

"Stop sounding like you're a kid who's having his birthday, sheesh. You're incredibly hopeless, you know that?"

"At least you find me _incredible_ even if it's only for today."

"You're leaving out most of the meaning I meant, idiot." I remember saying _incredibly hopeless_... but as always, Sorey hears only the things he wants to hear.

Not that I mind. Sometimes it's the inaccurate interpretation that's closer to the truth.

Because the shameless truth is, Sorey's incredible in every which way... that's why I'm hopelessly in love with him.

**o------------o)O(o------------o**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on March 16. See you 'til then. ~~


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